Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His routines featured elocutive but often short, sometimes one-line, observational comedy, mixed with absurd and paraprosdokian elements as well as non sequiturs. Hedberg's comedy and on-stage persona gained him a cult following.
Quotes From Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus?
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! Fuck you
People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers would say to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?"
Last time I called shot gun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up...
I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.
Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia
Mitch Hedberg on Wikiquotes