Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His routines featured elocutive but often short, sometimes one-line, observational comedy, mixed with absurd and paraprosdokian elements as well as non sequiturs. Hedberg's comedy and on-stage persona gained him a cult following.
Quotes From Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus?
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! Fuck you
People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers would say to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?"
Last time I called shot gun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up...
I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.
Marijuana decriminalization in Washington state may be an impossible dream this year, despite the fact that it was just passed out of state Senate committee with a "do pass" recommendation.
After some pretty amazing remarks (for different reasons) on both sides of the debate, the Washington State Senate Judiciary Committee voted 5-3 to pass out Senate Bill 5615.
SB 5615 reclassifies adult possession of no more than 40 grams of marijuana from a misdemeanor crime carrying mandatory jail time to a civil infraction imposing a $100 penalty that can be paid by mail.
Rather than objecting to marijuana decrim on any rational basis, this dynamic duo of dimwits chose to resuscitate long-discredited Reefer Madness myths as valid reasons for the bill not to move forward.
Hates trench coats and massages: Sen. Jim Hargrove
Jim Hargrove, after emphasizing he's a college graduate, said that he saw one of his former fraternity brothers who smoked pot back in the day and -- apparently because of marijuana -- the poor pothead was still wearing the same trench coat he had 20 years ago.
(Side note to Senator Hargrove: If it's not too much trouble, can you put me in touch with your pot-smoking buddy? If the marijuana he smokes is so good it makes you wear a trench coat for 20 years --imagine the savings on clothes! -- I'd really like to try some of that shit. alapoet@comcast.net. Thanks, man.)
What's worse, this dirty dope-smoker had the same hairstyle he had back then, and was actually taking classes at (shudder) Evergreen College. We've all heard of that bastion of "higher" education, now haven't we? Buncha damn hippies and commie pinko liberals, that's what they are, yessir. What's more, he even practiced some massage therapy -- yet another vaguely disreputable profession, we are given to believe.
I guess because Hargrove disapproves of his friend's dress, hairstyle, and lifestyle, we are supposed to keep arresting and jailing marijuana smokers, mmmkay?
Voters of Washington's 24th District, PLEASE vote this clueless clown out of office next opportunity you get, before he embarrasses you all again and does more damage. The bad news is you're stuck with this idiot until the 2012 elections.
And voters of the 28th District should be pleased to find that your State Senator Mike Carrell [office phone number (360) 786-7654] doesn't mind wasting lots of your tax dollars on enforcing futile marijuana laws.
According to the ACLU of Washington, there were more than 11,000 arrests for misdemeanor marijuana possession in 2007 in the Evergreen state. The courts entered 3,600 convictions and imposed more than 16,000 days in jail. Police time, court time and jail time consumed approximately $7.6 million of YOUR tax money.
But Mike Carrell said it's not about your money; it's about the crucial importance of arresting marijuana smokers. So I guess you shouldn't mind at all, eh? Gotta get them potheads.
Carrell also, while admitting he's never been to Amsterdam, "helpfully" shared that "one of the greatest dangers" of visiting there is "walking on needles, and other things" because Holland's liberal drug policies have contributed to the "unraveling of their society."
Whoa, Mike; that would would come as a big surprise to the orderly Dutch, to find out their entire society has unraveled. Presumably they are too stoned to notice they're walking around on needles... Sigh.
Hates science: Sen. Pam "Doesn 't Smoke A" Roach (Side Note to Pam: You shouldn't have taken down the link to that first picture on your State Senate site, darlin'. It was a lot more flattering, i.e., unlike you. Oops, did I say that out loud?)
And then there's the always-entertaining Senator Pam Roach (yes, she of the dreaded "financial disclosure irregularities"). Pam flatly stated, based undoubtedly on her vast knowledge, that marijuana "is a gateway drug." Never mind the science! Pam said so. I guess that settles it.
Hey, Mrs. Roach: It's not too late. Take a hit from the clue bong, baby. Study after study over a 30-year period has discredited the gateway theory of marijuana. You've had plenty of time to learn this. Either get your facts straight, or shut the hell up and get out of the way.
To thank the members of the committee who voted to pass (prime sponsor Sen. Jeanne Kohl-Welles, my new hero Committee Chair Sen. Adam Kline, Committee Vice Chair Sen. Debbie Regala, and the eloquent, intelligent and articulate Sen. Rodney Tom, all Democrats; and Republican Sen. Bob McCaslin, who bravely crossed party lines to make this a bipartisan effort), visit:
Senators Kohl-Welles, Kline, Regala, Tom and McCaslin are real leaders, and deserve the continuing support and votes of the marijuana community.
Kohl-Welles in particular shined as she told why marijuana decriminalization really is a public safety issue: It burdens law enforcement and criminal justice resources to arrest and prosecute marijuana users caught with small amounts of the herb, while having absolutely no impact on use or availability of marijuana. Kohl-Welles rightly pointed out that the deprioritization of marijuana enforcement frees up police to pursue serious crimes.
Here's the video recording of the hearing (February 18 executive session) from www.TVW.org:
You can scroll forward to the discussion of SB 5615 by clicking on the progress bar at the bottom of the window. The discussion begins at 1:36:05.
I encourage all of you to watch and listen. It's a great opportunity to be able to hear our elected representatives engage in an open, public discussion and debate of our state's marijuana laws and the broader "war on drugs."
SB 5615 now goes before the Senate Rules Committee, which must take action to put the bill on the floor of the Senate for full vote. Senate Rules Committee members:
The companion bill, House Bill 1177, was referred to the House Committee on Public Safety & Emergency Preparedness, where it has yet to be scheduled for a public hearing. The bill is being held up in committee by pot-phobic asshat ex-cop State Rep. Chris Hurst (D-Enumclaw), chair of the House Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness Committee. So it basically all comes down to this one guy.
Asshat ex-cop Chris Hurst ain't givin' up on the marijuana war (Side Note to Chris: Dude. How hard did you think it'd be for me to link to another picture, after you disconnected the first one? Asshat.)
Next Wednesday, February 25, is the deadline for bills to be passed out of committee. Asshat Hurst flatly declares no hearing will be held.
He argues it would be irresponsible to move a piece of legislation forward before the federal government removes marijuana as a Schedule 1 controlled substance. Hurst claims he actually supports such a change, but says Washington state should not act ahead of the federal government. (Um, Chris? Isn't that what a leader does? Get out ahead? Otherwise, you're just a follower, a tool, and a political coward.)
Doing so, he argues, could lull citizens into harm's way with zero-tolerance federal authorities, such as the Coast Guard, DEA or border agents. Officer, er, Senator Hurst is apparently oblivious to the fact that a dozen other states -- including even Mississippi, for Christ's sake -- have decriminalized marijuana, and no such thing has happened.
If you'd like to call Hurst's office and let him know what you think about that:
Telephone (360) 786-7866
Or if you're one of his constituents, you can send him a message online:
In 1977, I visited Cherokee, N.C., with my Dad and Mom.
On the ride up, I (a very politically conscious 17-year-old) cautioned my Dad in a very P.C. lecture not to say "How" to any of the Native Americans. He assured me he wouldn't. So imagine my shock when, the first day in Cherokee, this dude walked up to me, held up his hand and bellowed "How!"
I was mortified. Moments later, my dad snapped this picture -- I'm surprised he was able to take the photo, he was laughing so hard. Turns out he'd bribed the guy to embarrass me...
(Dig my cool jeans and Jethro Tull t-shirt... I still have that unerrant fashion sense today, folks.)
Sandra and Mark Glenn, and their sons Kenny and Weston.
Weston Glenn operated the camera for the video.
THIS. SHIT. MUST. STOP.
Postscript, Monday, Feb. 16: Dusty the Cat is injured but alive and is under the care of a veterinarian. Kenny's MySpace page appears to have been hacked and taken over by those horrified by Kenny's cruelty. And local law enforcement in Lawton, Oklahoma, are investigating Kenny's crime.
Television station KSWO in Lawton, Okla., covers the story:
This Washington Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on Senate SB 5615, to decriminalize the possession of 40 grams or less of marijuana, took place Tuesday, February 10, 2008, in Olympia.
The marijuana discussion begins around 1 hour, 32 minutes, 36 seconds into the video presentation (it is easy to skip to this part by moving and clicking appropriately on the progress bar).
Shankar Narayan of the Washington ACLU was there to eloquently and effectively go to bat for decrim, as was former State Representative Toby Nixon, bill sponsor Sen. Jeanne Kohl-Welles, John Cary of the King County Bar Association, and Jeremy Miller of the Olympia Hemp, Love, and Freedom Foundation.
After the informative and intelligent contributions of others, Seth Dawkins took the hearing off on a surreal and bizarre tangent as he wove a breathless mix of half-truths, botched studies, woeful inaccuracies, and outright lies in his irrational opposition to marijuana decriminalization.
Anyone who underestimates the value of not being in a cage hasn't spent much time in one.
Under current law, possessing as little as one joint is punishable by up to 90 days in jail. In Washington last year, 11,553 people were arrested on marijuana possession charges.
As reported by Dominic Holden in The Stranger, sponsors and advocates behind the bill intend to emphasize the bill’s savings. Representative Brendan Williams (D-22, Olympia), one of the bill's co-sponsors, said he plans to “frame it in terms of the tradeoff in the budget discussion … and set a square alternative."
Williams says conservative legislators could be attracted to the cost-saving argument for decriminalization more than ever. “Do you choose to provide health care for x number of children or fund criminalizing marijuana possession?” he asked. For example, Williams cites a cost analysis of pot busts taken from Washington State Institute for Public Policy data that shows, based on the number of arrests in 2007, Washington would save $7.5 million by passing the law.
No Republicans have co-sponsored either the House or the Senate versions of the marijuana decrim bill.
Alison Holcomb, director of the ACLU of Washington’s Drug Policy Project, said public opinion is on the bill’s side. A recent poll shows 81 percent of Washington voters believe pot laws aren’t working. “I think that the bill is an improvement Washington voters are ready to see,” she says. Massachusetts voters passed a nearly identical measure in November by a 30-point margin—and the lack of pot-induced hysteria in Massachusetts may provide evidence that the hackneyed reefer-madness claims about marijuana reforms are unfounded.
Alison Holcomb of the ACLU
"Thirteen other states have already [decriminalized marijuana]"—including Massachusetts, where a measure similar to the one in the Washington State legislature passed a public vote in November by a 30-point margin—"and we haven't seen any of those other states struggle with [the] problem" of federal prosecution, Holcomb said.
California has made possession of marijuana a civil infraction, and, like Washington, it also sits on an international border and has a coastline patrolled by federal agents.
The Facts
SB 5615 would change pot possession of 40 grams or less from a misdemeanor to a $100 civil infraction. The Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a hearing on SB 5615 Tuesday, February 10 at 10 a.m. in Hearing Room 1 of the J.A. Cherberg Building on the Capitol campus in Olympia, WA.
Rep. Chris Hurst doesn't want marijuana -- and he doesn't want you to have it, either
The House version of the bill, HB 1177, is being held up in the Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness Committee by the committee chairman, this asshat, Rep. Chris Hurst:
Reality Catcher suggests you call his office and let him know what you think about that. (For best results, I further suggest you don't call Rep. Hurst or his assistants "asshats." Do as I say, not as I do.)
Telephone (360) 786-7866
Or if you're one of his constituents, you can send him a message online:
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Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His routines featured elocutive but often short, sometimes one-line, observational comedy, mixed with absurd and paraprosdokian elements as well as non sequiturs. Hedberg's comedy and on-stage persona gained him a cult following.
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