Wednesday, February 13, 2008

How To Lose Friends and Piss Off People

Ever been in a room where there’s a bunch of people all talking loudly and nobody’s listening? Not much fun, is it? And it’s really hard to exchange any useful information that way.

If the bulletins on MySpace seem that way to you, you’re not the only one.

Some complain because their bulletins aren’t recognized as the obvious works of genius that they are, but there are reasons for that. Communication styles matter, people. Some ways of coming across to other people alienate them, turn them off, and make them stop listening before you have the chance to impart any information.

No matter how important, how vital, how crucial your message, if you make these basic mistakes of communication, pretty damn soon you end up only talking to yourself.

Anyway, here’s the list.

How To Get People To Ignore Your Bulletins

1. Don’t ever read, digest or comment on the bulletins of others. Automatically assume that YOUR message is so important and YOUR genius is so obvious, that you really don’t have anything to learn from what others have to say. And if they'd just read YOUR stuff, they'd realize that you are directly channeling the Ascended Masters!

2. Post the same bulletin over and over without bothering to go back and delete the previous times you’ve sent it. Who cares if you fill up everyone’s bulletin space with your own stuff? Isn’t the objective to shout down other points of view and monopolize the conversation? And your bulletins are so much more intelligent and meaningful than everyone else’s! Obviously.

3. Use “cute,” dismissive little pet names for politicians, public figures, or groups of people who don’t agree with everything you say. That way, if someone is teetering on the edge of agreeing with you, you'll tilt them over to your side of the fence with your clever, junior high school offensiveness. Examples: Call Hillary Clinton Hitlery or Killary. Call Barack Obama Obomb-ya or Obomb-em. Use the term Paultards or Ron-Bots to describe the followers of Ron Paul. I'm sure you can come up with even more clever insults if you apply yourself.

4. Become such a single-issue zealot that peoples’ eyes glaze over when they see your name on a bulletin. No matter what issue someone tries to bring to your attention, make it about YOUR issue. “Well, if you’d just vote for MY candidate, or follow MY spiritual path, none of these things would be a problem!”

5. If you ever do bother to respond to the thoughtful (but obviously inferior) posts of others, do so with a condescending and oh-so-superior attitude. Start off with a real winner of an opening like: “What you’re confused about is…” or maybe “I’m sorry that you can’t see the obvious fact that…” Yeah, that’ll get them on your side.

6. If you ever do actually get around to reading someone else’s bulletin and then re-post it, don’t bother to thank them or acknowledge them in any way. You’ll look so much smarter if everybody thinks it was YOUR idea. Plus, it’s a great way to “get even” with them for some imagined slight in the past, when they chose not to include your brilliant comment on their profile page. You know, the one with a picture of you buggering Bush, or the one where you have so many huge pictures that it becomes the only readily visible comment on the page.

7. After doing all of the above, post additional bulletins whining that nobody reads your bulletins. THAT will make those benighted philistines see it your way!

Follow these seven easy steps, and soon you’ll rule MySpace! Go ye forth and change the world.

People will fall at your feet to receive your pearls of wisdom. You’ll have lots of sex offered to you, and donations will pour in so fast that you can quit your day job at McDonalds.

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